{ warning: this is probably going to be hard to follow and a tad scattered. here’s my apology in advance. *shrug* sorry. }
people have always sat across from me and told me that I was incredibly focused for my age. they told me that I was mature, thoughtful, and really knew where I was headed. then they paused, thoughtfully, and reminded me that it’s rare for a young person to have such a strong head on their shoulders.
the truth? I feel like I’m losing that. I’m aimless, wandering, and very unremarkable nowadays.
I just don’t know, anymore. about anything. I’m no longer that gung-ho, I-can-do-anything youngster. I hate that adulthood has stripped that twinkle from my eye. in fact, I think it’s downright ridiculous, and (if I’m being ruthlessly honest) I feel a strong measure of shame about it. I know that shame will only continue to hinder me from doing great things. I know that, but can’t make my heart understand it nor shrug out from under its crazy heavy mantle.
so no, I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t know where I’ll end up. it doesn’t frighten me as much as it gives me sorrow somewhere deep inside of me. I’ve begun wishing I could unsay things, so that maybe people wouldn’t have such high expectations, and maybe I wouldn’t have to be so disappointed in myself when I don’t meet them.
the idea of becoming americanized, of becoming a pretty housewife with pretty children, of working in an average job surrounded by average people.. that terrifies me. it makes my bones tremor, the idea that I’ll have talked a big game and done nothing for God. that when I stand in front of him he might say..
“so, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth,”
or
I struggle, plain and simple. and some days I feel like I’ve got no idea what’s going on.
{ post script: I realize that I probably seem bipolar from one post to the next. I’m not, I promise. I’m just contemplative. take it or leave it. }
Yes, I do believe that people have seen you as being a girl well above her years for quite some time, but i don’t believe that they have forgotten that you are still human. That just like everyone else, there is a need inside of you to figure out just exactly WHO you are. I believe we all go through it because its all apart of the longing we have deep inside of us from Papa. Longings come from the realities which exist between the father, spirit and son. The purpose of longings is to move us into relationship with God and others so that they will become realities! He wants them to be fulfilled after all. The problem is, its very easy to get lost here. There are three doors, if you will, that we can chose for our longings.
1. “Dead to my longings” -We can kill them off, refuse to feel them and become dead to them. The price being, you kill yourself with them because the longings are the core of humanity!
2. “Alive to the longings but fulfill them illegitimately” You feel them but try to find a sinful way to fulfill that need, Which is outside Gods plan. The price being, you reap what you sow- the guilt, shame, pain, addiction, and broken relationships..etc
3. “alive to longings but seeking to fulfill legitimately” Longings are alive and seek to fulfill primarily in our relationship with him and seek to fulfill human longing with legitimate human relationships.
I totally understand your desire to stay away from the typical “american dream”, because you see your longings are for Papa and to bring him glory!–which means you are on the right track so don’t be so hard on yourself! I relate completely to that, in fact i believe i have written very similar sentence in my journal at least once..But you must make sure that you don’t put God in a box some how. He is with you everywhere you go in life and I believe that he can also use you anywhere. I once believed that I could only really be used by God if I devoted my life as a missionary in some 3rd world country. Don’t get me wrong, missionaries are very amazing people doing AMAZING things for God, but I have just realized now that i was limiting God and his abilities in that way. I was forgetting about all of the people I come into contact with everyday! The holy spirit is dwelling in you Kaylen, which means that you basically have a secret weapon at your disposal! You have the holy spirit there at all times to direct your path. He knows the desires of your heart for him and if you want him to use you, then he will no matter where you are.
Its so stressful when we put so much pressure on ourselves to do what only God can do. he doesn’t expect you to know the answers, or for you to figure out yourself where you need to be. All he expects is for you to love and trust him as your father, and believe that he is powerful enough to use you when you don’t even expect it!
sometimes I dislike how overactive my mind is. because while I understand and know that God doesn’t expect me to know all of the answers, I cannot prevent (again, me trying to do something I should be letting God do) myself from striving towards that unobtainable standard.
it’s hard for me to let everything roll off of my back and onto his. not because I don’t believe he can handle it, but more so because I just don’t know how to unclench my fists and unfurl my fingers and just let it go. I s’pose I should work on that, eh?
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