[ g.i. joe-ing ] I'm sporadically available. sometimes here, sometimes gone, and I'm not just talking about my mental faculties. know that if I don't respond, or if you don't see posts, it's not because I've lost any love for you.. it's just because I'm not exactly working a nine to five anymore.
that being said, I've missed you all--though I must admit I've missed writing even more. (:
welcome back, self.
|
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of God. your playing small does not serve the world. there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. it’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
this quote just recently struck me hard. it was written by marianne williamson in a return to love. that in combination with some things muhammad ali said, particularly bits of this poem:
last night I had a dream,
when I got to Africa,
I had one hell of a rumble.
I had to beat Tarzan’s behind first,
for claiming to be the King of the Jungle.
for this fight, I’ve wrestled with alligators,
I’ve tussled with a whale.
I done handcuffed lightning
and throw thunder in jail.
you know I’m bad.
just last week, I murdered a rock,
injured a stone, hospitalized a brick.
I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.
I’m so fast, man,
I can run through a hurricane and don’t get wet.
when George Foreman meets me,
he’ll pay his debt.
I can drown the drink of water, and kill a dead tree.
wait till you see Muhammad Ali.
I love what marianne williamson wrote. I feel pressure to play small so that the people around me feel better about themselves. I even get crapped on when I refuse to. but you know what? I won’t ever play small again so that someone else can feel better. and I’m gonna pursue whatever I want. I’m done thinking that I can’t. all this gets me pumped up, gets me excited, makes me feel powerful. I am going to shine.
Andrew asked me that today.. asked me where all the kindness went. he was observing some adults being petty instead of helping out their fellow colleague, and it was frustrating the both of us. then we got talking about how people are so rarely kind anymore. sometimes holding open the door for the person behind you is the kindest thing that will happen to that person all day.
after that conversation I had with him, I kept thinking about it. I realized that I’ve lost a lot of my kindness over the past year.. a thought that was severely depressing in its realization. the good thing is that when I’m with Andrew, my kindness comes back full force. he’s just such a kind and giving person that it majorly rubs off on me. so I’m looking forward to regaining that kindness, that selfless attitude that I should have had all along.
I kept thinking about this lack of kindness as I was walking home from the gym in the snow. on the mile-long walk home, I kept wondering if someone would extend the offer of a ride. no ride, no ride, no ride. then as I was about 50 m from home, a car on the opposite side of the street with a car behind it rolled down his window and asked if I needed one. I said no, simply because I was so close to home, but deep down I was happy to see that kindness still exists. now I just need to make sure that it exists in me and my life.
it’s going to have to be a conscious decision, a very conscious decision, to be kind in every moment of the day, to put others above myself.. things that used to be far more natural than they currently are. I just can’t wait to get into a normal home again with a normal routine.
in the past two or three days I’ve transitioned from typing to longhand. it’s odd, but I guess I just go through phases. sometimes I write best when I type it all out and sometimes I just can’t get anything done until I’m writing on a notebook.
side note, after reading about other writers and their writing process, I learned that a lot of writers are really picky about the type of notebook they use to write in. some only buy certain (expensive) types and others only use certain styles, and others will only write with certain pens and some only write on one side of the page. for a little while, I felt almost lame that I didn’t have a whole bunch of weird quirks and tendencies. then I realized that my own style is MINE. unique. and it works for me.
I’ll write pretty much anywhere if the urge strikes, but if I have a choice, I’ll pick a notebook with spirals at the top. spirals on the side mess up the back of the page and then I end up writing all slanted and weird. spirals at the top are perfect. I don’t like gel pens or roller ball ones. only felt tipped or ballpoint. and sometimes when I get into that funk of writing plain, boring bits of the story.. I write in color. red, blue, green. the color makes me slow down, makes me think about what I’m writing. and I really don’t like having to write without diet coke by my side. (: when my head cramps, I turn to knitting for a few rounds. I’ve got a few different projects on my needles, but my cowl is the one I usually choose. it’s 250 stitches long so knitting a full round is a substantial break.
though writing longhand definitely means more hand cramps!
writing has been going well; I’ve discovered that when I’m in the middle of writing but having a little bit of a writer’s block, knitting a few rounds actually helps! I’ve got about three different projects on the needles right now, but the one I’m currently using as a distractor is a herringbone cowl. it was a 250 stitch cast on, so one round usually gives me enough time to think through whatever I’m having trouble writing.
I’m also entering into a pretty big transition period, and while sometimes when I look at all my stuff and think about packing, I get incredibly overwhelmed. sometimes, I manage to think of it as a great big project that could actually be kinda rewarding, as long as I play the right music.
and I’ve been watching Fringe lately.. I forgot how much I enjoy the show. I like the characters and it kinda reminds me of X-Files, which brings back good memories. and sometimes it even helps me write.
I wrote my first fight today. (:
I was so proud of myself. I know it’s strange, but I was proud of writing it because a) it intimidated me and b) I thought it would end up TERRIBLE. now, I don’t know if it’s good or not, but at least I wrote it. I’m taking one small step at a time.
first step? attempting to write it.
second step? editing the crap I wrote so it ends up decent and readable.
third step? writing it well to begin with.
like I said, it’s one small step at a time. that’s been my mantra with this novel. just write it down, first and foremost. write it down and edit later. I’ve always said that it’s much easier to edit than to create. a novel is the same.
I also realized today that, taken out of context, a writer sounds like a nutcase. yesterday a few threads of my story came together in this convoluted, amazing way and I was trying to explain it to a friend of mine because I was so excited. when I finished, she goes.. you know if someone besides an author were to say something like that, they’d be institutionalized! and it’s true.. the way that an author (or writer trying to become an author) handles all of the plot pieces and characters and backstories and weaves them together seems completely incomprehensible to nonwriters.. at least until the novel is finished and the writer neatly ties up all of those loose ends in a tidy resolution. so I’ll have to settle for being a nutcase for a while longer.. at least until I finish the novel!
oh and p.s.: a plea for help. if anyone knows any good literature (online or in an actual book) that talks about fighting mechanics, let me know! I realized I’ll need to gain some more knowledge of what happens to the human body when it’s struck in different ways in order to have authenticity in my written fights. thanks!
I have the day off tomorrow (thank you MLK), so I’m dedicating it to writing. yep, I’m gonna hunker down and get some major writing done. I’ve been writing intermittently for a little while now, ever since my inspiration struck–but there are some chunks of the story I need to commit some major time to. some things can’t just be written in an hour here and an hour there.. they have to be caressed and lulled into existence. so tomorrow will be committed to some uninterrupted lulling.. also known as writing. I’ll have to get out of my room, because I need a table to type on and no distractions. I’ll have to consume lots of coffee and they even have these little heated room things that you can smoke cigars in, so I’ll probably bring one of those too. I’ll probably even strategically choose my coffeeshop so there’s someplace to get lunch nearby. (: oh yeah, it’ll be a full day of work. haha, kinda. I’ll write as long as it takes to get this chunk of story out.
*crosses fingers* I hope the story cooperates and the characters aren’t too ornery!
I can’t stop daydreaming. about simple, easier things. like being able to drive to the store and crank the music up until the windows rattle. spending only 5 minutes getting to the gym instead of a 20 minute walk.. eliminating 3/4 of my excuses that lead to NOT going to the gym. living day to day with Andrew and not feeling like it’s just a vacation about to end. and being able to get yarn from somewhere else than an online order.
which leads me to today’s excursion. I’m gonna try to find some yarn! I read a few blogs about people finding nearby yarn stores, and it seems like my best shot is actually in a market-like atmosphere. and I read that it was pretty cheap. so I figure I might as well try to find it and cross my fingers that they not only have the yarn I want/need, but that it’s cheap(ish)!
I’m also writing again. yep, you heard me. writing my novel. I got suddenly and radically inspired about two weeks ago. I was actually just walking home from a coffeeshop, and I felt this intense need to write. all of the sudden, in my head, it transformed from this fantastical idea of mine that would probably never get published to this idea of mine that has real, tangible potential. I went home that night and wrote up a plot timeline and went through and did a light edit on what I already wrote. next day, I just started writing. now I write a little almost every day, realizing that almost everything I write will be edited and reedited, so I need to stop worrying about making everything I write perfect.
as ernest hemingway said, “the first draft of anything is shit.” so I just need to get the story, the ideas out of my head and onto paper and then I can start really putting it together.
when I say, your will be done begrudgingly, does it still count? when I say, God, let your will — not mine — be done through tightly clenched teeth, does it matter? how about when I say, I want things this way, but I guess.. I guess let your will reign…?
I’ve always heard, and repreached, that it’s the heart behind the words/actions that matters. and here I am standing in the shower praying and thinking that it’s the thought that counts. I said the words, so that should be enough.. it doesn’t matter that my heart is actually screaming for things to just go the way I want. but it matters. it matters a lot.
it’s still the heart behind it. it’s always been the heart behind it. I just don’t know how to get my heart to concede control. I haven’t quite figured that part out.
and the very first sock I’ve ever knitted looks like a big pile of poo. I’ve just started knitting the heel, so I haven’t even hit any of the hard stuff yet but the cuff part is all bloated in the middle and looks like it was specially made for someone with an ankle tumor! I’m gonna try to keep knitting it so I can practice.. /:
I don’t like new year’s resolutions. I just don’t. I think that if you don’t have enough strength to make a change during the year, you sure as hell aren’t gonna stick by a new year’s resolution probably made after a few (or more) drinks. that’s partially why I’m so dismayed that I’m starting my eating plan on the first. I would do it earlier, but honestly, I don’t have any money to spend on groceries until payday. so it’s not a new year’s resolution.. I just happen to start it on the new year.
I’m doing whole30. sigh, yeah, I’m finally taking the plunge. it’s going to be straight up difficult. but I owe it to myself, to my man, and to my future children to be healthy. I definitely need a full-body restart to get me back on the right track. if you haven’t heard of it, click here to read about it.
think you’ve got what it takes? do it with me. I start 01 January and I’ll finish it 01 February. git er dun.
well, it’s christmas today. kinda. I mean, it’s december 25th, but it doesn’t much feel like christmas. I did watch Elf today and that helped with the christmas feel, but besides that.. eh.. not really. it’s okay though, because my boy and I are doing christmas in february when I get to where he is. so my real christmas is still a few months out. and I’m okay with that. (:
now, while the rest of my compatriots are getting drunk cause it’s christmas and they’re alone (original, right?), I’m filling my days with other various tidbits. I thawed out the cheesecake I bought, watched Elf, caught up on The Closer, finished my current knitting project (!!), and after this blog is finished I’ll start knitting anew one while I watch some kid’s movies. that’s what I’m in the mood for.. light-hearted, easy child problems.
on to my knitting project. aunt mary sent me a box with yarn, needles, etc., and it was a godsend. I already knitted a hat, and I just finished a cowl. I made my own pattern.. mixed two different cables that I like with a really yummy blue alpaca mix. I did the retwisted taffy cable and the cruller cable. I knitted it in a rectangle first, and I just got finished blocking it. I’ll sew it together after it dries in a few days. I was thinking it’d be really cool to close it with a few buttons, but good buttons are hard to find out here, there aren’t any in the nearby stores, and I don’t have any stockpiled or anything. so I’ll just sew it closed, no biggie.
I’m pretty proud of myself for deciding to block it.. the cables weren’t bunching up necessarily, but they weren’t as defined and relaxed as I wanted them to be. so I looked up specific alpaca blocking recommendations and went for it. I’m not gonna lie, first thing I’ve ever blocked. hopefully it works. I want the piece to be more relaxed so that it will drape better when I wear it. I put two pictures of it.. I know the full rectangle picture is a little crummy, but it’s hard to see the cable on such a dark/textured yarn. it looks fantastic in real life though. I’ll take another picture when it dries and put it up. (: next project.. I dunno. better start looking!
 
|
|
